Dudes of “Glee”

I: This show! I was reluctant to come on board with this show because upon initial viewing, I thought it was some god-awful “Kids Incorporated” bullshit and it gave me secondhand embarrassment. But then I realized it’s supposed to be like that and now that I’ve gotten to know the characters, I find it irresistible! Not to mention, the boys who star in it are quite foxy!

The breakout fox is hands-down Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson. His face is delish, man. I’m always hot for a jock turned sensitive/embarrassed artsy boy. And I enjoy his singing and drumming and the fact that he actually believed he got Quinn pregnant from a hand job in a hot tub.

L: I remember Finn, fo’ sho’. He had the hottest premature ejaculation scene ever! And I don’t just say that about anybody, dontcha know. (Although Josh Peck had one too in The Wackness… Now I’m just torturing you.) I remember intensely him crawling over Rachel and backing her up on the picnic blanket—GAH! Moanmoanmoanmoan*orgasm* I want to lick the freckles on his neck.

What about his friend, Puck, the football player with the Mohawk? That’s a hot concept. I enjoy his face! And the more I learned about his character, the more interested I became in him. He has multiple layers! He’s like some kind of sexy Iago from Othello or some shit. I’m on board.

I: I love Puck. He’s hilarious and keeps it so real because he was sexting Santana while simultaneously trying to convince Quinn that he would make a suitable father for their baby. Also, he got with Mercedes so he ain’t afraid to get down with a sister.

So Mr. Will Schuester kind of makes me cringe, but his bod is undeniable. I think everyone gets embarrassed watching him rap and dance, but oh well. That’s what the show calls for. I love how he’s hot for the demure guidance counselor and he’s always giving wise, teacherly advice.

L: Yeah, I have mixed feelings about Mr. Schuester. Clearly I root for him as he’s one of the good guys, but sometimes he creeps me out, like when he was gyrating to “This is How We Do It” or some such. I wonder why this is! Why am I not hot for teacher? I need to investigate my feelings some more.

Does the kid in the wheelchair ever get some action? (I enjoy when Sue calls him “Wheels.”) From the waist up, he looks like someone I used to date. Is he ever given something to do?

In the classic naughty librarian move, the glasses are removed and then...

I: I will spoil it for you and tell you he loses his V-card to Brittany the cheerleader. And then he’s sad about it because he felt used! Dude gets no respect.

L: Who else is on that show that’s a potential fox? What did you have to say about that Jesse guy who plays Rachel’s love interest in season two?

I: Ah, yes. The dude who played Jesse. He was too intense for me! And I did not support his unnecessary involvement in reuniting Rachel and the mother who abandoned her. But his presence made Finn pine hardcore for Rachel so it all comes full circle!

Up for Review: KIERAN CULKIN

Kieran — one of the preferred Culkins.

Up for Review: JOSH PECK

Josh Peck — we look at the dopeness and the wackness.

Hot Foreigners

L: We here at Foxy Academy promote a diverse student body from all over the globe– as long as them bodies be flne. Por ejemplo, Enrique Iglesias. Like a fine Spanish wine, E.I. gets better with age. I’m hot for him in his fashionably faded jeans in the “I Like It” vid! And I can even see past the mole. Does he even have it anymore? His hotness covers it up. He has a sexy, boyish intensity to his face and yummy bod that makes me go “RAWR!” like a horny tiger.

I: I agree! He is totally caliente and that is factual. However, I feel like he’s getting old and his “I Like It” song/video was trying really hard to stay hip and happenin’. But I’ll let it slide. Are you familiar with Gael Garcia Bernal? He’s another Latino guapo who could seduce me with coy glances alone. He was in Y Tu Mama Tambien and also this weirdo movie I just watched called Dot the I that wasn’t all that great, but he had a rather enjoyable sex scene in it, so I felt okay about watching it.

L: I saw Y Tu Mama Tambien! I remember GGB having foxy hair, thus I’m immediately putting Dot the I on my Netflix queue. Speaking of Y Tu Mama Tambien, that other dude—Diego Luna—was foxy too! Actually, in retrospect, he’s even foxier than GGB, although I didn’t realize it until I watched—okay, this is embarrassing—Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. BWA @ me. But dude, that guy’s got moves! I was truly hot and bothered. It was proof that it’s not what you got as much as what you do with it. I’m taking liberties with that phrase but it’s true.

I: DD: Havana Nights was such crap, but Diego Luna was fiiine. Is that his real name, you think? If so, it’s foxy. What do you think of Javier Bardem? I support his beard! Did you ever see Vicky Christina Barcelona? It’s kind of awful because it’s typical desperate Woody Allen fare, but that ain’t the point. He’s a sexy painter who seduces two women in it!

L: Bardem was recently on the cover of Esquire, looking vaguely haggard! Was he the one who seduced Diane Lane in Unfaithful? No, that was not him at all. If not, who was that fox? Was he even foreign? I demand it to be so.

Ah, yes, Olivier Martinez—he’s French! Thus, he suits the purpose of this post. He dated Kylie Minogue for a billion years and apparently supported her throughout her breast cancer! Now he’s with Halle Berry. Well done, ladies.

I: YES! Olivier is such a hot name, too. Dude, have we ever talked about Unfaithful and how Diane Lane gets fucked from behind in the stairwell? I can’t believe that movie, man! Definitely not a date movie. It also taught me how lethal snow globes were!

How you say "Fox Foxington"?

Up for Review: JOHN CUSACK

Foxy Academy loves John Cusack.

Up for Review: TOPHER GRACE

Topher Grace needs to lighten up.

Foxy ’90s Heartthrobs

I: I’ve mentioned before that Ryan Philippe set my teen loins on alert. Well, he wasn’t the only one! Since we came of age in the 1990s, I figured we should glimpse some of the dudes that caught our adolescent gazes.

I’ll just get it out of the way now and mention Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!) so that you can go ahead and gag. I pined for him so hard! I wrote about him in my diary way too much, it’s embarrassing. I dug his haircut (don’t ask me why) and his tan-ness and he was the reason I watched Home Improvement. Don’t judge me!

L: I forget what I saw JTT in that filled my heart with such rage. What’s he doing now? I need recent pics. In short, I never enjoyed JTT—I think he seemed wimpy! And yet, I thought Jonathan Jackson was fine. Go fig! DUDE, he was the reason I suffered through godforsaken Tuck Everlasting, and this here is proof how lust can surely make a person go insane: for some reason, even though I knew it was a family movie, I still watched it, finding him so fine I actually anticipated some graphic nudity or adult situations to show up on screen. No lie!

I: I think it’s hilarious that you rejected JTT because of his WIMPINESS yet you (and I) lust after Taylor Hanson and effing Jonathan Jackson, who had the most ladylike, pouty pink lips you ever did see. But to each his own!

Peep this one: Rider Strong aka Shawn from Boy Meets World. First of all, that show was amazing, and secondly, I enjoyed his cut-up/bad boy/trailer park persona. He was always trying to hook Corey up with chicks. I wanted to wind up at a make-out party with him!

L: OMG RIDER STRONG, He of the Best Name Ever! Dude, you once said that when picking out boy bebe names, you have to pick something where the first and last name sound so good together they can rarely be separated, especially in terms of announcing a sexy prom date. “Rider Strong” is THE sexy prom date name! Don’t you wanna grope someone named Rider Strong in the back of the rented limo while your classmates sway to “November Rain” inside? Um, yes! But at any rate, he was very much the Steven Hyde of “Boy Meets World” only without the weed, all street smart and sensitive and from a broken home so he had to live with his motorcycle-riding English teacher. HOT!

You paved the way on this one, but I thought Ben Savage was super cute too, with his short-cut curly hair and boyish features. He looked short though, but probably because he was like TEN and hadn’t had a growth spurt yet. Perhaps I’d settle into a relationship with Ben, then get drunk and accidentally wind up making out with Rider Strong on his pseudo-parent’s motorcycle, and after a tearful, heartbreaking fight, Ben and I would eventually make up and get married. Best of both worlds!

I: I can’t believe you were hot for Ben Savage! He seems so unlike your type. Well, you know my allegiance is with his older, much foxier brother Fred whom I penned diary entries about when I was eight, but my Kevin Arnold phase was in the 1980s so I’ll skip him.

Because I had a framed picture of him on my nightstand, I can’t pass up mentioning Scott Wolf! He was a young Tom Cruise! And he was so fine as Bailey the alcoholic on “Party of Five.” He had dimples to die for, man. I straight up cut out a picture of him from Seventeen magazine and framed it like we were lovers. Oh, how I wish.

L: At first, I thought you meant Ben Savage’s brother on the show, e.g., Eric, the lovable doof with the floppy hair and sexy smile, and I was all YES PLZ! Gah @ Fred Savage. He had a squishy, doughy face. I liked him when he grew up and his voice changed though. Scott Wolf! I can’t stand that guy! LOL @ you having his picture FRAMED on your night table. Tell me you smooched it before bed!

I: We will just agree to disagree, man! But we can’t omit the brothers who were undeniably foxy — The Lawrence Brothers, particularly Joey and Matt. I thought Joey was so FINE on Blossom with his flannel shirt tied around his waist and his righteous hair. And then they had a show together that involved fixing cars which is always hot.

L: DUDE, I got all hot and bothered when Joey Lawrence’s poster popped up during Camp Nowhere — LOLOL some more at us watching that by our own free will and as, by definition, adults. And then he shaved his head and STILL looked fine — I never say that about anyone! Except maybe Justin Timberlake but aside from that… I remember a random episode of “Blossom” where the doorbell rings and Joey Lawrence is like, “If that’s a hot girl, send her up to my room, second door on the right,” and Blossom is like, “That’s the linen closet, dumb ass!” I might be paraphrasing, but I express the same sentiment when I say that if Joey Lawrence rings the bell, you know whose room to send him to.