Up For Review: JUSTIN LONG

Justin Long is the Mac Guy with less than admirable film credits, but we want him to take us home.

APPEARANCE: 3

I: E! @ JL! I worry we stand alone, though, in our enthusiasm for his cuteness. Not that that matters. Sure, he’s not traditionally fine considering he’s pasty, somewhat geeky, and he sort of has weird hair. Like, it parts oddly. However, he has foxy browns, a charming laugh and smile, and he embraces his geekiness in the way he dresses. He wears jeans and button-up flannel shirts well. I once saw him on “Ellen” in a girly looking cardigan but I was still feelin’ it. I would toat hook up with him.

L: He’s just so average, but he’s charming and likeable about it. I might be slipping into his personality section here, but that vibe is all throughout his look too. In conclusion, I appreciate JL’s boyish, aw-shucks appearance! He unfortunately doesn’t photograph very well.

I: Bwa. I know. But his charm is in his personality!

PORTFOLIO: 2

L: You scoffed at his portfolio just last week! Alvin and the Chipmunks, Dodgeball, Waiting… He’s Just Not That Into You was a good step for him, however. I enjoy the earnestness he brings to his roles! I think that emphasizing his “I’m just an ordinary dudeness” like John Cusack is one of the only ways he will land leading man roles. And, in true JC form, he needs to get rained on more.

I: SCOFF x a bil @ JL’s portfolio. I think it’s insulting to John Cusack to compare the two. I think we WISH JL would take on more John Cusack-y roles. But seriously, Waiting…, Dodgeball, Crossroads (??? Who was he in that??) – these roles are embarrassing to the max. This is a wake-up call to JL. He is teetering on the edge. I think the Mac commercials are adorable and HJNTIY was a step in the right direction, but one more shitty movie and I think he’ll lose any credibility. His next movie choice is crucial. He might have to stay after class for extra ASSistance and private tutoring. Tee. AGREED that he needs to be rained on more.

L: I like the idea of JL hopping on board with an all-star cast (i.e. HJNTIY) so he gets recognized by the masses! And he had a decent role in that that nearly everyone can enjoy, so hopefully he’ll run with the ball and not drop it, ya know?

CHOICES: 3

L: So his career choices are dismal but, according to that Wiki article you read, he nabbed Drew Barrymore, so he must have some smarts. Then again, they’re splitsville now, so maybe not. And I need a photograph or some kind of evidence that he’s parading around with Tila Tequila., because that ain’t right. No FA ace student can be actually dating someone who got famous solely for posting half naked pics of herself on the Internet and getting a ton of MySpace friends because of it. And really, that’s only a few moves away from dating I Love New York. I’d respect him more if he were dating Paris Hilton. Also, he just turned 30 or so, yes? If so, that makes his dating a MySpace superstar from a dating show so much more gross.

I: I definitely think JL’s relationship with Drew B was positive for his career. She’s cool and established and a little bit kooky so it kind of helps him shed some of that geekiness. It makes us take notice like, “Oh.. he can bag a babe like Drew B? Okay, we’re listening..” On the down side, they broke up. But he has said nice things about her since their split which is mature of him. Other than that, his personal choices haven’t been very public. Hopefully, he’s not too consumed by the Hollywood riff-raff. He’d be cool if he l1ved in NYC when he wasn’t working or some such. If this shizz with T.Tequila is true… I just don’t know what I’d do with myself. I need to find another source that confirms this besides Wiki. There’s just no reason for that relationship – EVER.

L: I think if he WAS consumed by Hollywood riff-raff, we’d hear more about what he does, yes? Now do you think that he too needs to settle down?

I: As for JL settling down.. I don’t know how much of a player he’s been in his day! Maybe he’s just now coming out of his shell and playing the f1eld after years of being rejected. I’m thinking he’ll tool around with a couple of girls who, if he weren’t famous, would be out of his league. But then he’ll realize they’re all shallow whores and he’ll settle down with a nice girl from the east coast who wears glasses and makes killer veggie lasagna. I almost gave him a 4 on choices, but I found multiple links to the T.Tequila story. “Will you straddle me while we make out, TILA TEQUILA?!”

PERSONALITY: 4.5

I: I’m very impressed with what he has shown us in terms of personality! He’s charming and a bit snarky and he seems smart like he knows Hollywood is ridiculous. He must not take himself too seriously if he’s willing to do some of the movies he’s done. I enjoy him! Would you want him at your party? I feel like he’d be a fun co-worker who I could joke around with when we were both bored at the office.

L: I, too, am endeared to JL. I think he keeps it real and embraces his own Justin Longness. He’s not a fake wannabe, trynna be a pimp. I agree with the co-workerness! He makes sardonic commentary to you by the copier and wears his iPod all the time. Additionally! I would want him at a party where I didn’t know anyone else very well, and we both were drinking our beers on the back porch, bonding by ourselves over making fun of all the stupid guests. Tee.

I: LOL @ “I think he keeps it real and embraces his own Justin Longness.”*I’LL* embrace his Justin Longness, NAWMEAN?

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 4.5

L: JL’s like, your male BFF who’s had a crush on you 4eva, and then one day, when you’re crying to him about your crappy boyf for the umpteenth time, he’s gulps and then, with a shaky breath, proceeds to tell you how you deserve better…and HE would give you better. TEE!

I: LOLOL @ JL being just a friend who confesses his feelings. Awww. Or he could be that guy who gets stuck with you after you’ve had too much to drink at the bar and your date bailed on you and he figures out how to get you home but you’re like, “Don’t try anything!!!” and he wants to peek while you change out of your clothes but he’s too nice. And then he lays you in bed and covers you up but then stays the night on the couch in case you get sick.

L: You’re really endearing me to him now! And then he’s lying on his back on the couch as the moonlight shines in through the window and washes over his face as he lies awake thinking about you, and then you stumble in the room drunk and whimper, “I don’t wanna sleep alone,” so he has to make room for you on the couch, and of course there’s really nothing you can do but wrap your arms around each other, and you fall asleep blissfully ignorant while he’s thinking “GLEEP!”

I: Then what?! I’m awaiting the next part with my chin on my fists.

L: You’re supposed to fill in the next part! Maybe you have a nightmare that leads to groping him in your sleep and he’s all “EEP!” but can’t bear to stop you because he hasn’t gotten laid in like three years. LOL.

I: Tee! I know. I was going to say that JL wouldn’t be brave enough or rude enough to take advantage of a drunk girl, even though his loins are burnin’. But then in the morn, you wake up in his arms and shyly giggle and he scratches the back of his head with a nervous smile. Once you’ve emerged from the shower, JL is like, “I can go… I didn’t mean to crash but I wanted to be sure you were okay…” and you’re like, “No stay! I can make coffee, it’s the least I could do.” And he’s all happy until you check your phone and grumble about how you wish so-and-so-jerky-guy would call you and JL frowns because he’ll never be more than just a friend! Tee. Oh, us. I love us.

L: So then JL is all, “I should go,” and you look all confused but you’re like, “…Okay. See you tomorrow?” and he says yes but then he doesn’t call! So after a few days of this, you STORM over to his apartment one night, and he’s there in his T-shirt and pajama pants all guilty, and you’re like, “Why are you avoiding me? What’s going on?” and he’s all, “Nothing! Nothing!” and you’re like, “I’m not leaving until you tell me the troof!” and he’s like, “Fine, here’s the troof: I had to put some distance between us” and you’re all, “What’re you talking about? Why?” and he paces his living room and runs his hands through his hair and is like, “Because I can’t live with a broken heart every day!”

I: And you’re like, “What are you talking about, a broken heart?” and he’s takes you by the shoulders and is like, “I am really in love with you” and you gaze into his eyes, stunned before he starts chuckling and scoffing and then is all, “Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? Well don’t flatter yourself.” BWAHAHA. I couldn’t help myself.

L: WAH and LOL @ you RUINING the JL story with Ethan Hawke bull shit. He’s way too nice for that! He’d get all flustered like Brian Krakow instead and be all, “But it doesn’t matter,” and you’d be all like, “Of course it matters: JL, no one’s ever said the things that you’ve said to me before…” and then he looks at you with wary hope in his eyes. Oh, the things we do to get ourselves through the day. So are there any downsides you see to being JL’s girlfriend? What do you suspect of his bedroom performance? Tee!

I: YESYES, I want him! I feel like he would be no-nonsense and like, super HOT when he got down to biznazz. Like, you’d THINK he’d be shy and goofy or just all-around quiet, but I’ll bet he takes charge and tells you what to do. I must find out!

L: EE! I hope that’s what JL is like in the sack! I think him taking charge and laying down the law in bed would be a nice foil to his everyday personality, and a sexy surprise to the boyfriend scenario we dreamed up for him. Eee! I want him pinning me to the mattress and kissing my neck! LOL. Perhaps that’s too much.

I: As for downside to being JL’s girlfriend, maybe as his fame grows, he’d have the tendency to stray or think he could get “better” girls. Typical ugly-guy-gets-hot-and-makes-up-for-time-lost syndrome. Y/N? You did say JL appeared to be a good kisser in HJNTIY! Maybe his skills are consistent all around. LOL.

L: Ugh. What you said about JL making up for lost time depressed me! It almost ruined his bedroom hotness! Now I’m sad. He probably would get cocky if he followed our sound advice and realized it all worked.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Okay, so what’re our suggestions for JL? Don’t date MySpace sluts, be in better movies by invoking his inner John Cusack…

I: …^which require standing in the rain.

FINAL GRADE: 17/25 B