Up For Review: MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Matthew McConaughey is either doing stuff really right or really wrong.

APPEARANCE: 5

I: I think MM can only excel being MM forever and ever. Let’s get down to biz and just say that MM is SMOKING FINE in “A Time to Kill” and that is the American way. MM isn’t even my type – he’s all blond hair/blue eyes and cowboy-like and probably would have been in some Ultimate Frisbee league had he gone to college but I can sort of forget all that when I remember “A Time to Kill.” I think that movie did something to all 14-y.o. girls who saw it back when it came out. SLKFLGH I’m like, developing serious feelings for MM all over again remembering that movie. He pulls off sweaty and shirtless like no one else. It’s kind of like how we can all agree that Tom Cruise is batshit but you can’t deny his hotness in the volleyball scene in “Top Gun.”

L: MM always seems to be tan without tan lines. He makes the perfect beach bum — he would probably organize a beach bonfire every day of his life if he seemed like he cared about organization. He has a yummy bod, and I enjoy his moppy blonde hair — it looks fun to grab onto in the midst of passion. He has a new short haircut in that movie he has coming out with Jennifer Garner and it ain’t as fine.

PORTFOLIO: 2.5

L: While he’s been in some well known stuff, MM keeps showing up in the same kind of role! I can’t differentiate between any of the characters he’s played, because they’re all the same. Furthermore, they’re like, not even characters — I have the strong suspicion that he just keeps playing himself! He’s always this slightly wacky, super foxy vagabond of some sort who always woos the ladies. I sometimes forget he was in “Dazed and Confused” because he didn’t seem like himself — he has weird hair and he’s a skeezy loser bum (who still manages to bag babes but whatevs). And I think that was good of him to do! He needs to do more roles where he’s not himself. I want to see him playing someone REALLY nerdy or bizarre (like Cameron Diaz did in “Being John Malkovich”).

I: I have the feeling MM just shows up on a movie set without reading the script or properly preparing and he’s like, “Let’s just do this thing. Just go off my energy” and weird crap like that. His movies of late have been pretty awful. “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” makes me want to hurl but that’s Kate Hudson’s fault so I digress. Don’t forget the commercials he did endorsing BEEF! Sadly enough, “D&C” might be one of his like, top three best roles. I wonder if he still loves them redheads.

L: LOL @ “Just go off my energy” — and he’s saying it in that twangy voice of his while clapping his hands and rolling his shoulders. If he doesn’t read the scripts, then it’s only wise of him to keep doing the same recycled roles. I saw “Fool’s Gold” with him (and Kate Hudson!) and he was always golden-skinned and lickable.

CHOICES: 3.5

I: His personal choices are bizarre but they fit his persona. He had a bebe with someone and named it LEVI so that’s poor decision making. He also broke off palm tree branches and pretended to be a bird so… yeah.

L: BWA HA HA. MM’s choices are really endearing me to him. It’s just so ridonculous. He should make a sitcom about his life and call it like, “McConaughey-hey!” Or not. Didn’t he get arrested at some point during the past year or two for smoking the reefer? How himself of himself. Isn’t he nearing 40? If it were someone else, I would think that’s poor form and immature, but that’s just…him.

I: What would “McConaughey-hey!” be like? I picture him waking up early to catch a wave or two and he has some like, outdoor shower that he uses, and then he makes himself a smoothie. And then he drives an open-top Jeep over to a buddy’s house who’s having a BBQ. LOL. I want to spend the day with MM! Oh gosh, how could I forget his neighbor called the cops on him for playing bongos naked while baked out of his mind. So… do we add points for that, or take away? Har har.

L: “McConaughey-hey!” would just be a collection of wacky antics MM gets himself into. LOL – I forgot bongos and nudity were involved in that arrest. Awesome FRR. I wouldn’t take away points for that. HOWEVS, the line between what is hot and what it means to live up to someone’s potential is becoming increasingly blurry when it comes to MM. Like, is him being arrested for being stoned, naked and noisy hot? Probably not, but he’s totally living up to his own Matthew McConaugheyness. Confusion!

PERSONALITY: 4.5

L: He’s just so Californian. You’d definitely want him at your party, but probably not as anyone’s date. He would hit on all the girls and make them feel good about themselves. He’d make sure everyone has their own red cup. He’d keep the booze flowin’ and the weed growin’. He just wants to have a good time, and everyone else should too! He’s everybody’s bud.

I: MM must be at our party! He would make a point to greet everyone and he’d be like, “Are you good? Where’s your beer? Did you try the dip? You’re lookin’ good, man!” and clap dudes on the shoulder as he walked off to go talk to someone else. He probably makes really charming eye contact and even though he’s weird, he embraces it and it’s all good.

L: MM would totally be game to do more than just sit around baked on a couch — he’s the active kind of pothead! I can see him wanting to get people together to smoke and go sightseeing, or smoke and play volleyball, or smoke and walk the dogs… And he’d always have some crazy story to tell, so you’d never be bored.

I: Something enjoyable about MM is that I think if you took all the fame away, he’d be like, “It’s cool” and continue on being the way he is (you know, L-I-V-I-N’). And he would definitely get things done while he smoked. Like smoke and wax his surfboard. Smoke and pick up a Mother’s Day card for his mom at CVS.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1

L: As for romantic potential, I would not want to date MM for almost all the reasons why I enjoy him.

I: I get giggly and uncomfortable when I imagine having relations with him!! I don’t know what he’d be like in bed but I don’t think we’d jive. Tehe! He’d be the one who always brought a different girl to every party and it’d always be someone he met on an Outward Bound excursion in the outback or like, a bartender he met in Brazil or something.

L: I can’t see MM ever settling down. Is he involved with someone now? Like his bebe’s mama? For some reason I think it’s okay for him to be a playboy forever. Maybe I’ll change my mind next year, but for now, dem’s the breaks. He’s like an unofficial Hugh Hefner, even though I don’t think Hugh’s Hughness works on even him but that’s besides the point! I think MM would be fun lay, but not necessarily the best or the most meaningful. It’d probably just be a silly, wacky, chill time with no commitment.

I: I’m pretty sure MM is still with his bebe mama. So is there an age when that behavior becomes too ridic? I mean, what if he winds up like Nick Nolte getting a DWI with a terrible mugshot? I guess the answer is, as long as MM continues to be fine and not hurt anybody, he’s all right (all right, all right). COME ON, I had to use it.

SUGGESTIONS

L: So what’s our advice for MM? I vote that he needs to pick more diverse movie roles in which he’s playing a character who is totally unlike himself. He has it in him to pull this off, I know he does! And if he’s going to smoke pot, not get caught.

I: I suggest he take on a role where his character is subdued, and maybe even secondary. Could he handle that?

L: I worry he’s too fine to be secondary! But I’ll stand by my Cameron Diaz comparison — she was a supporting character and she proved her acting chops.

FINAL GRADE: 16.5/25 B-

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