Jake Gyllenhaal
APPEARANCE: 5
I: Girrrrll, talk about a total package. Jake G. is such a dreamboat to the max! He’s like a big mug of Sleepytime tea with a quilt and a comfy pillow in front of a fireplace on a snowy eve! He’s been at the top of my list since “Donnie Darko.” I love that he’s a pretty boy without being real obvious about it because he can play brooding and messed up really well too. He’s got sexy hair and a killer smile. And he’s so fit and in shape! It’s like he’s always spotted out running or biking. I bet he drinks a lot of water. He looks good in a suit or dressed casual. He’s like a boyfriend I’d want to bring to my high school reunion so I could be like, “Look at this hot piece, bitches!”
L: Teeeeee. Jake G IS tasty. I enjoy his “aw shucks” face and hair. LOL @ him always exercising. Yes yes! I’m envisioning him climbing off his mountain bike and pouring a bucket of water over his head in slow motion now. He has a very versatile look—he can probably pull off everything, which is super hot.
PORTFOLIO: 5
L: He’s definitely talented; he pulls off his tortured roles oh so well. He doesn’t shy away from dark, controversial roles (you all know what movie I mean). That’s brave of him and I totally approve. His portfolio is made of stuff to be proud of—I can even forgive “Bubble Boy.”
I: I think his portfolio is top drawer! He’s got it all covered. He seems very smart about his movie choices (post-“Bubble Boy”) because I’m sure he’s offered roles left and right. I’d like to see him do some comedy! The lighter side of Jake!
CHOICES: 3.5
I: Pout! His choices suck because he hasn’t chosen MEMEME! How jealous am I of Reese Witherspoon who has nailed both JG and Ryan P.? Ugh. Remember when Jake G dated Kirsten Dunst forevs? They seemed like a chill couple. Since he’s been with Reese, he seems like, more yuppy and more high-brow. I want him to date a chick somewhere in the middle, maybe one who doesn’t have kids. He doesn’t need to be a step-father of two just yet! Aside from his dating like, I think it’s kewt that he stays active with Lance Armstrong. And even kewter is his little family with his hot sis and screenwriter parents. I want to have Christmas dinner with the Gyllenhaals!
L: I really liked Jake G dating Kirsten Dunst—I thought they seemed like a cute, young, quirky couple that was well matched. I’m not feeling his relationship with Reese either; for some reason, it just doesn’t seem whimsical enough to me. I feel like his career choices are very mature and dark, so I’d like to see him balance that out by dating someone who is—ugh, I don’t want to say “younger” because Reese isn’t old, but yes, she does have two kids, and blah blah. It just seems like a very “grown up” relationship. I want to see him with someone, being silly and youthful. LOL—I see Christmas dinner with the Gyllenhaals featuring Jake and Maggie screaming at each other to “suck a fuck” across the table.
PERSONALITY: 3.5
L: I’m not sure about his personality! I need more assurance that he’s not going to think we’re all frivolous and shallow. What if he wants to bring Reese and the kids? Oh dear. I need more of his goofy side, plz!
I: He seems so smiley and nice! LOL @ him bringing Reese and the kids to our Ultimate Party. And then it’s a total Debbie Downer fest where Reese is telling all of us to put our cups on coasters and turn the music to something kid-appropriate. I enjoy how Reese is so stodgy and stuck-up in our heads! I’d want him at the party (alone!) just so I can look at him. He’d pal around with anybody! I see him going around giving handy and thoughtful, yet not overbearing advice to everyone.
ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 5
I: Sigh, man. I’d be swooning 24/7 if he was my boyf! I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I feel like he’d be so fine, I’d feel inadequate, yet he’d make me feel like I was enough for him because he’s so sincere! Pine! I bet he’s a foxy lover to boot.
L: Yeah, I can see Jake.G and his lady love being equals. I bet you wouldn’t have to guess how he feels about you. I just made an inward dolphin noise at the thought of Jake.G on top of me. Yes plz!
SUGGESTIONS
L: He’s been doing such serious stuff for so long, and with his “mature” relationship with Uptight Reese. He needs to do something fun! I want to see him in a wacky but respectable comedy.
I: I’d like to see him loosen up a bit as well. I want Uptight Reese to dump him because of something uptight like he wouldn’t pose in her Olan Mills family portrait with her. And then he’ll be all single and vulnerable and in shape and smart and rich.
FINAL GRADE: 21.5/25 A-
Filed under: A Tagged: | Jake Gyllenhaal
“How jealous am I of Reese Witherspoon who has nailed both JG and Ryan P.?”
Reese Witherspoon – seven years of bad marriage, Ryan sleeping around and dumping her for a better woman.
Reese using gay and closeted Jake Gyllenhaal for false marketing and fauxmance PR.
Nothing to be admired.
jake gyllenhaal is the dream boyf, fersher.
he’s like the NICE guy that’s not all losery about being the nice guy. i want!
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