Up for Review: DAVID BECKHAM

David Beckham‘s pulling down his pants for us.

APPEARANCE: 5

L: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: David Beckham is the Brad Pitt of soccer—or footy, if you will. He’s ripped in an inoffensive way that begs for more gratuitously bare-chested photo shoots and has a sexy, confident smile that’s a knee-knocker. I also support his bad boy tats. He looks like he would make a fortune doing gay porn, and I mean that as a compliment! Everyone knows those guys are hot.

I: LOL @ being the “anybody” of soccer. He’s an absolute fox and British to boot! You know how I enjoy crediting people’s country of origin for their hotness. Because he’s an athlete, I don’t feel like he’s too pretty to hump. Like, if he were an actor instead, he’d be a total pansy. But he’s sexy AND fit! I bet he looks FINE with dirt streaked up his calves and grass stains on his soccer shorts.

L: We need to start calling more people the Blippity Blop of Blip.

GAH!

PORTFOLIO: 5

I: He basically just plays soccer, right? I assume he’s pretty awesome at that. I’m sure he’s got billions of dollars and is loved by all those foreigners. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to make soccer an interesting sport to watch in the US, but oh well. He can deal with being known as Posh Spice’s husband.

L: Yes, I heard he’s not so bad at nudging around a black-and-white ball with his foot for all the UK to enjoy. He also does nothing else, really, aside from looking freaking hot in photo shoots. This is smart because…

CHOICES: 5

L: If he tried to do anything else, like act or sing, it would be way less foxy, like you mentioned. He sticks to being sexy and playing soccer and that’s just the way I like it. I actually don’t mind his decision to marry Posh Spice and breed with her—it’s wacky and random. If he married the girl next door, it wouldn’t be as cool. Didn’t he have an affair with a nanny or something? That’s sort of okay by me too, because A) his wife is Posh Spice and B) he’s David Beckham. He can get away with almost anything. He probably talks his way out of so many parking tickets.

I: I, too, think it’s funny and British that he married Posh Spice. I’ve never heard of any infidelities! But who knows? I think it’s foxy that the one non-soccer career move he’s attempted is underwear modeling. Yes and yes.

ACK!

PERSONALITY: 4

I: He seems charming! Who knows? He’s probably not all that bright because you can’t have it all, guys. Would we want him at the party? Hell yeah! He’d really sex-up the joint.

L: I’m not sure what D.Beck’s purpose at the party is—he wouldn’t bring any beer and I can’t picture him telling some outrageous, hilar anecdotes. But I don’t think he’d do anything to ruin my night. Most likely, he’d show up dressed to the ninety-nines with a date—chances are, it’d be She Who Will Forever be Known as Posh Spice—then have one drink and leave after an hour. However, I would be okay with that, because of the glory involved at having the Brad Pitt of Soccer in my vicinity. And I think he’d be filling a previously voided niche at the party.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 3.5

L: I’m having difficulty dreaming of how he’d act toward me as a casual acquaintance, let alone as a lovah. I would not object to seeing him naked though.

I: I imagine our dates would be me drunkenly rambling over dinner while he just looks at me, candlelight reflecting in his gaze, while I embarrass myself. Kinda like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda goes out with the cop who’s too hot for her and she gets so drunk, he thinks she has a problem. That’d be me.

EEP!

SUGGESTIONS

I: He should do more to make soccer popular over here in the states. I hear it’s a big deal over in the UK.

L: I enjoy him being hidden away across the pond, yet notorious anyway! David Beckham does everything right.

FINAL GRADE: 22.5/25 A

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