Up for Review: ZAC HANSON

Zac Hanson – a Foxy Academy dropout with squandered potential if there ever was one.

APPEARANCE: 5

L: There was a time when Zac was an eleven-year-old brat, donning Bo Derek braids and Doc Martens while acting like the epitome of an annoying younger brother. Then came a decade later when he became so FREAKING FINE he caused you and I to sincerely DEVOLVE, running through Baltimore and humping streetlamps, gates, nuns, road kill, what have you after getting our picture with him post-concert. My freak, those lips! That hair! That drummer’s bod, clad in vintage T-shirts! It was too much for the brain to comprehend. However, as some of us know, Zac’s pompous, sarcastic ignorance and fatherhood ruined his good looks, but I’m certainly getting ahead of myself.

I: I literally just took a deep breath before I began typing this, like I have to prepare myself. For a period of about five or so years—and I’m not even kidding—Zac Hanson was the mother-effing hottest, foxiest, most outrageously fine human being I had ever laid eyes on, dude. Even though my feelings for him have changed in recent years, I can still say that this is a hard fact. Don’t you think if we could bottle up 2007 Baltimore Zac, he would be the blueprint for Foxy Academy students in the looks department? Let us examine. Like you said, his mouth is unparalleled. His lips need to be insured. Why do they not get their own publicity? They would make the perfect bicycle seat, if you know what I mean. He is blessed with a year-round tan, whereas his brothers… not so much. His eyes are sexy brown, which I love, and his body is rockin’. Like, no joke. He turned 18 and I was like “Who? Wha? When?” and rubbing my eyes to ensure I had a crystal clear view of what he had become. This is going to turn into like, memoirs of a wealthy and mature, but sad, divorcee who lusts after her gardener, so I’ll stop right here.

L: To think this post ever existed!

Examples of Zac’s Squandered Potential, brought to you by The New Way Archives (We don’t do this for just anyone, y’know!):

PORTFOLIO: 2

I: Considering he’s been performing music since he was barely out of diapers, I venture to say his career has fallen way short of what it could be. Hanson had ONE hit song. Yeah, people (like, five people) may claim that they had some other semi-hits but if we’re being real, MMMBop was all they really accomplished in terms of any kind of major imprint on popular culture. And I think that’s lame compared to some of the other musicians we’ve assessed. Like we said when we evaluated Taylor, the whole combination of being home-schooled, brothers and having a hit in their teen years really locked them into the reputation they would be cursed with forever. Could they have broken out of that? Oh, and to comment on Zac specifically, the songs that make it onto the album that he writes generally suck.

L: Hear, hear, m’lady. Basically, we can copy and paste everything we said about Taylor, only take out the parts where we mention any kind of talent. Bwa. Zac looks hot playing the drums though! But I guess that’s more applicable to the last category. Hmm. Does he get points for moaning his way through The Walk on that DVD you have? We did agree once upon a time that Zac had the most transitional-friendly voice—like, he had the capability to recruit people over to their dark side. However, they TOTALLY missed the boat and squandered all the opportunities for reinvention that their album Underneath offered them, so too late!

CHOICES: 0

L: OH GOD! Like Fez working at the DMV, I shall whip the desk repeatedly with my pointer and scream “No! DOUBLE FAIL!” If Taylor gets a zero for this category, Zac gets like, negative 20. He’s another one who did it all wrong by settling down in his prime, but he’s far worse for acting so arrogant and condescending about it. I need to go through old TNW entries citing such examples.

I: We need to make an exception to the grading system and TAKE AWAY points when it comes to Zac Hanson’s choices. Boy, do we ever. And LOL @ the titles of all those TNW entries. The lusty charge prompted by the “looks” category has fizzled into nothing now that we’re in the midst of his “choices.” Mistake #1 was getting married at age 20. I mean, who does that? There was no unplanned pregnancy so he genuinely wanted to settle down with his teenage girlfriend, which is double gross. He’s got a body and a face like that and he’s never been with anyone but HER. Ugh! And not only that, he’s a father and he’s so uncool about it.

PERSONALITY: 0.5

I: I hesitate to let him into the Ultimate Party because he’s just going to judge everyone for drinking/smoking, he’ll bring his BABY, he’ll be obnoxious and he won’t want to get with either of us! How rude! He’s SO UNCOOL, dude. I think people have kissed his ass all his life and girls cackle with laughter at his every utterance and it’s made his personality all fucked up and unlikable. All his jokes make me cringe. I don’t think he’s ever said anything that made me go, “EE! I love him! He’s so right.”

L: Dude, I would be afraid to hang out with ZacHanson. I feel like he’s the type of person to “joke” about something I’d take great offense in such an awful, annoying and unapologetic way that I would turn purple with fury, force out a strained, polite “Excuse me, won’t you please?” then go into the kitchen, throw myself into Steven Strait’s arms and start beating on his chest while screaming how much I can’t stand Zac. Then throughout the night, everyone else at the party would give me sympathetic smiles and be like, “Let it go, it’s cool,” but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself with Zac around, being both THAT fine and THAT douchey. He’s stressing me out more than Jesse and the Rippers performing with Andy Samberg!

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 2

L: I can’t see it, man. I can’t see him being creative when it comes to love, and I can’t see him ever putting his woman first. Can you imagine Zac in bed? …Purrrrrrrr… Wait, hold up, this was supposed to be a bad thing. I can’t see him researching on how to please a lady or improve his skillz. And whereas we said Taylor would have to read his own fanfic to understand how to date (there’s a fanfic premise right there, and it’s awesome), Zac toat wouldn’t even bother.

I: Ugh. It depends on which Zac I envision! If I picture him as the Zac we know today, he’d be a total snooze whose only intent is to impregnate me with his seed. But if I just take the IDEA of him, and then apply my own hopes and dreams of his sexiness in the white cotton sheets… then I’d just be writing fan fiction and I’m getting us nowhere. So yeah, he would be probably be as annoying and no fun as he is with clothes on. And being in a relationship with him means dropping your entire life to go live on a bus and reproduce. No thank you.

SUGGESTIONS

I: Please. Go back to 2003 and do the opposite of everything he’s done since.

L: I agree! Tragically, without a time machine, I’ve little hope for Z.Han.

FINAL GRADE: 8.5/25 D+

11 Responses

  1. GENIUS. I’m bookmarking this for when I need a good laugh!

  2. LOVE IT. but why is there no mention of the Alan-Zac transformation of 2010 (or late 2009)?

    • Personally speaking, I’m not sure I’m so confident re: the Zac to Alan and back to Zac transformation! I don’t know if it’s possible at this point, if what was done can be undone. But please feel free to refute!

      –L.

  3. you’ve made me remember the journey of zac and alan, driving me once again into a hyper speed version of the cycle of nostalgia, despair, realization and acceptance, culminating in a phoenix like emergence from the swamp of alan. (oh my god, am i writing a soliloquy here?) but you know, generally amusing, so at least there’s that.

    but seriously, i will always be confused. oh those days when he was just a fine-ass man whose personality i knew nothing about. the age of innocence.

  4. proof of him safely back in zac on tnwaywards. trust.

    via billboard.com, no less.

    http://www.billboard.com/features/watch-hanson-shout-it-out-hear-the-full-1004094689.story#/features/watch-hanson-shout-it-out-hear-the-full-1004094689.story?page=1
    [check the pop-out slideshow]

  5. OH, God. The FMR picture! I hoped to never see it again. My retinas!! I’m glad he’s back to looking good and keeping his mouth shut. I’d like to pretend the Alan years never happened.

  6. [...] He seems to enjoy not settling down and I guess that’s okay. I like that he didn’t get married super young and start a family because he feels as if he’s LIVED SO MUCH LIFE alre…. I bet he’d keep it real as a boyfriend and I like the idea of being chill and casual with [...]

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