Up for Review: RYAN PHILLIPPE

Ryan Phillippe could use a new lease on life.

APPEARANCE: 5

I: During my high school and college years, Ryan Phillippe was totally at the top of my list—list of celebrities I wanted to have sex with, that is. Talk about lips!! MOAN. I feel like he changed something inside of me after I saw him in Cruel Intentions when I was just a young teen. I wanted him to seduce me proper. And he was downright humpable in 54 in those busboy short shorts. I worry, though, that that’s all he’s good for! Maybe that’s okay.

L: Ryan Phillippe is delicious! He does have some serious lips happening, and his curly hair is above par. He might just be too attractive, y/n? If I saw him in the grocery store and we both reached for the same pear, his fineness would scare me and I’d take my cart and scramble away for sure, knocking over a display of mangos.

PORTFOLIO: 2.75

L: Hmm. You said so yourself that looking fine is all Ryan Phillippe’s good for—isn’t that why his marriage to Reese Witherspoon failed? Eep! I hope he doesn’t jump off a pier when he reads this. But really, I can’t think of what he’s been in—aside from Cruel Intentions and 54—that was so striking. What’s he even doing now? Do you think he’s trying too hard? Is he too concerned about being the best that he’s not doing his best? I’d like to see him excel in something small and respectable and work his way up. He needs to throw people for a loop. Like, I’d like to see him play someone dorky a/o wacky to show he doesn’t take himself too seriously. Maybe even a sitcom. Hmm some more. Whatever he does, he needs some creditable resume padding.

I: I think RP is just a straight-up bad actor. He’s done weird, small roles like in Crash and Igby Goes Down but nothing that really gets him any attention. As for being funny, he hosted SNL recently and was crappy at that! So I don’t know if there’s much hope for him in the wacky sitcom department.

L: I think most people are crappy on SNL, except for the people you think will bomb, like Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, who turned out to be hilar. Maybe there’s some hope for RP!

CHOICES: 2.5

I: I must know: did he leave Reese, or did she leave him? They were so attractive together! I’m disappointed in their break-up, but I commend him for always speaking highly of Reese. They never got all down-and-dirty and bad-mouthed each other in the media. And they share custody of their kids nicely! I enjoy him as a father. Total DILF.

L: I was under the impression that he left her because he couldn’t take her being the more famous breadwinner! I was disappointed by their breakup, but I’d always felt they looked too similar, too blond and blue-eyed. Didn’t he immediately start hooking up with a brunette post-divorce? Hmm.

PERSONALITY: 2

L: Do you think he’d be any fun at the Ultimate Party, man? I see him sitting alone on the couch, drunk and pouting as he tries to throw playing cards in an overturned fedora while wishing he was more famous. But he looks hot while doing it.

I: Ryan P. is Ducky at our party? Why is he so down? I like picturing him dumb and flirtatious. And I think that’s okay. I’m picturing myself making eye contact with him from across the room while Ryan Gosling and Jason Schwartzman are going on and on about global politics. And Ryan P. looks sort of confused and hot at the same time so I nod for him to slip out onto the back deck with me.

L: IDEA! We’ll tell him that the Ultimate Party is a summer blockbuster — then of course he’ll say yes, thinking he’ll be furthering his career. We’ll say for the role of hor d’ouevre boy, he has to wear nothing but sparkly shorts and aviators and a smile. Y/N?

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 2.5

I: This is hard to say because I don’t know if he really cheated on Reese! He should have sex with me and we can talk about it.

L: LOL @ that being your pillow talk. I think he seems like he’d be too preoccupied his own life/career to get too romantic. At least, perhaps in his next relationship, he wants to be the bacon-bringer, so I think the lady would have to be non-famous or cool with riding shotgun to his hoapz and dreemz.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Don’t be a crumb! Ryan P. ought to not compare himself to his peers or his ex. He should select movies he likes to do and focus on personal satisfaction.

I: Embrace his mild talent and outrageously good looks! I agree, he needs to buck up and wear more short shorts.

FINAL GRADE: 14.75/25 C+

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