Up for Review: JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Will Jason Schwartzman lose or gain points for his indie cred?

APPEARANCE: 3

L: There’s something very interesting about Jason Schwartzman! Sure, he was super nerdy in Rushmore but I thought he was quite fine in I Heart Huckabees—standing next to Mark Wahlberg and Jude Law too! He has nice dark browns and a noble nose, me thinks. And I think he looks good in suits and hipster garb. He can totally rock a messenger bag and I might not scoff.

I: I find that sometimes his hair is too flat-ironed for my taste. But I agree that he has a fun style and really owns his looks. He’s short, though! We can’t let that slide.

PORTFOLIO: 3

I: Did you know he’s Nicolas Cage’s cousin? He comes from Hollywood lineage which is sort of cool and explains how he got his foot in the show business door without being all that attractive. I like that he was in that band that wrote the theme song for The O.C. And the movies he’s chosen have been cool and weird. However, did you see Shopgirl? I hated it! It wasn’t his fault though, so I digress.

L: No, I refuse to see Shopgirl because the thought of Claire Danes and Steve Martin making out is just… No, no, I can’t see it. Anyway, I did not know he was related to Nick Cage! The concept of “Hollywood lineage” is getting me hot. I enjoy how he’s in these quirky, non-mainstream movies, yet I don’t feel he’s just some indie elitist/douche. And mad points for being in a band!

CHOICES: 4

L: Well, we support his musician efforts. I see that according to his Wikipedia page, he is “basically” a vegan who married an eco-friendly fashion designer. This sounds either really cool or really annoying.

I: Ha! I want to be “basically” something. Help me come up with one! I think it’s cool that he’s just livin’ and picking up jobs here and there while playing music and being a hipster. I guess it works for him. At least he’s not stealing lobsters out of a Sam’s Club or whatever that other hippie Eddie Furlong did. That’s when being a vegan becomes really annoying.

PERSONALITY: 3

I: Does he seem nice? I hope he’s not a judgey vegan! What if I decide to serve a Chick-fil-a nugget tray at the Ultimate Party and he walks in and flips it over all, “OOPS!” on purpose and struts out. He wouldn’t do that, would he?

L: LOLZ. I hope he wouldn’t get preachy and fuck up your meat-addled hor d’oeuvres. I can’t envision us talking to him a whole lot, because we’d want to be wacky and flirty hostesses and I envision him seeking a deep philosophical chat. Howevs! Having him there wouldn’t be a bust. I think he’d be a good buffer for Ryan Gosling, y/n? They could bond and save the UP from getting too political by sitting on edge of their metal-filigree patio chairs and talking about universal health care together.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 3.5

L: I can’t see him getting romantic. Wait! …I’m getting a vision of him bringing me a glass of wine after a long workday and caring about the answer. Maybe he won’t bust out all the great gestures or fix your flat, but perhaps he’s all about the everyday details—and he’ll be sure to call someone to get that busted tire fixed tout suite. But what about him in the sack? That’s what we really must know.

I: I can see him being pretty all right in bed. He might try harder because he’s short and weird! But I think I’d just rather be friends.

SUGGESTIONS

I: Be a leading man outside his comfort zone! Sex it up.

L: I want to know more about how he can sex it up! I think he’s doing okay, as long as he doesn’t cave into being an indie hipster douche.

FINAL GRADE: 16.5/25 C+

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