Up for Review: JARED LETO

Jared Leto — you’re so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.

APPEARANCE: 4.5

I: Something about his look is troubled and magnetic! He was SO swoon-worthy as Jordan Catalano in the ‘90s with his long hair and blue eyes and his illiteracy! He’s got a totally foxy and pouty face.

L: Oh sigh… I just went in a daze, thinking about smooching him in the boiler room. Jared Leto is tasty for real real, not for play play! I think he could pull off slight stubble well. He broods and leans oh so good, and his eyes, man! OH GOD! I’m pining like Angela Chase over here.

PORTFOLIO: 2

L: I’m miffed that Jared Leto hates everything he ever did on My So-Called Life. I enjoyed that show and it was critically acclaimed, so him griping about it just makes him seem ungrateful. It’s so Topher Grace of him! Besides, what else has Jared Leto done that’s as memorable? At the top of my head, he was in Requiem for a Dream, some war movie and a biopic about Steve Prefontaine. What would you like to see him do?

I: Does he really shun his work on My So-Called Life? That’s upsetting if it’s true! It’s basically the greatest show of our time. Really, though, you couldn’t find someone more perfect for that role. “…You’re kinda crowding me.” AHHH!! Other projects he’s done aren’t exactly outstanding. Don’t forget about his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. I guess they’re alright. Rather than being psychotic or a 1970s athlete, I’d like to see him play someone foxy in a romantical drama! Tee!

CHOICES: 2

I: Wikipedia has no “personal life” entry on him! Such a mystery. I know he was intimate with Cameron Diaz back in the day, but I don’t know about his current love life. Is he married? Does he have any kids? What’s his deal? I guess he was so afraid to be labeled as a teen heartthrob post-Jordan Catalano that he hasn’t done anything foxy since!

L: You know what would be hot? If Jared Leto just admitted to himself that MSCL was awesome and he was perfect for the role that put him on everyone’s radars in the first place. I’m imagining him admitted this whilst wearing a terrycloth robe and sobbing to a bunch of strangers in a group therapy setting. Then! He needs to totally pull a Jake Ryan—accept his place in the world as a heartthrob, disappear from the scene, get married, have kids, move to PA and become a carpenter.

PERSONALITY: 1

L: I think Jared Leto would be moody! He’s going to hate this, but I think he’d totally act like Jordan Catalano. He’d look smoldering, play pool, nurse his beer, play a song on the guitar that everyone misinterprets and be sort of anti-social. Hmm. Thoughts? Can you sway me on this?

I: BWAHA @ J.Let playing “I Call Her Red” at our party and I’m like, “E! Red! He’s singing about YOU!” and we squeal with delight. I don’t think he’d have a good time with us! He doesn’t seem like he’d have a good time ever. I think he’d be kind of a wet blanket, man.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 0.5

I: Along those same lines, I picture him irritated by having to socialize with my friends or attend group outings. And all my friends think he’s a drag and a buzzkill and I’m like, “No! You should see him when we’re alone! He’s so sweet!” and no one believes me. He’d make me self-conscious as a girlfriend, always having to make sure he’s okay and not annoyed. Ugh.

L: You’re right. He’d bitch about going to your social functions and not smile or participate in any convos while you’re there and later pull you aside to ask when you’re both going to head out, although if you ever asked the same of him, he’d be aghast. I feel like he’d be apathetic about his lover! So no thank you.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Accept that the Jordan Catalano role for what it was in order to really move on. Try smiling. Veer away from the Joaquin Phoenix route. Give more than two percent in a relationship, nawmean?

I: Embrace Jordan Catalano! It’s the best you’ll ever do! And try to buck up, mmkay?

FINAL GRADE: 10/25 F

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