Up for Review: WILMER VALDERRAMA

Wilmer Valderrama, we say GOOD DAY!

APPEARANCE: 1

L: First, he hasn’t been in anything noteworthy aside from That ‘70s Show, so I just picture him wearing Fez’s tight orange pants and looking foreign, faddy and awkward. Considering my love for the ‘70s, that would be charming if that were the way Wilmer actually was. But because he seems to act like Nick Carter or someone (without the BAG O’ BOOKS), this makes him far less attractive. Okay, let me try to stay focused and objective without getting ahead of myself. Despite his shortness, he is actually a good-looking guy with an exotic tinge to him and seems to dress well. Unfortunately, Wilmer’s problem is that his portfolio, choices, personality and romantic potential get in the way of his appearance.

I: Ehh. I don’t know, man. If I saw him in a club (which is the only venue I can imagine meeting him), I’d think he looked skeevy or douchey. Plus, could you get hot for a dude named Wilmer?

PORTFOLIO: 1

I: Oh dear. Talk about falling short! That ‘70s Show was by far his greatest gig and that ship’s long gone. What does he do with his time? I imagine he tries to produce rap artists or something. But his days as Fez were certainly hilar. I admire that particular talent.

L: Agreed, Wilmer isn’t living up to his potential. But really, what more could he possibly be doing? Didn’t he open up a bar with Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher? I think that’s about all he’s done in his life, beside bone Loho (and Hilary Duff, too, right?), which brings us to his…

CHOICES: 0

L: BOO! I do not approve. Wilmer needs to try to be more like Fez, because he is far from charming. His claim to fame other than T70S is being completely ungentlemanly on the Howard Stern show. What was the point of that? It didn’t earn him any brownie points with anyone; he just looked like a scumbag. Ladies, veer away from this one.

I: I boo him too! What an insecure tool for talking about taking chicks’ virginities and ranking them in bed and shit on the radio. I don’t know if he can ever come back from that in our eyes. Double fail!

PERSONALITY: 0

I: I could do without him, that’s for sure. No matter how funny or cool he may be, he ruined himself for me with his Howard Stern antics. He seems the type who, if you weren’t interested, would scoff “What a bitch! She wasn’t that hot anyway” after you walked away. I don’t want him at the party! He can sit outside.

L: No wayz. While his cohorts Ashton and Danny chill indoors, Wilmer can park his butt on the curb with his chin in his hands and throw pebbles into the street grates as he wishes a plague on both our houses. It’s his own fault for being such a creeper. Who’s he trying to impress?

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 0

L: I think it goes without saying that if a guy can’t make it into the Ultimate Party, he has zero chance of making it into our pants. I SAY GOOD DAY!

I: Scoff. He wouldn’t even be able to complete his pick-up line on me because I’d be too busy smooching Adrian Grenier (at this club we’re at where everyone is hitting on me, you see). I won’t even consider him!

SUGGESTIONS

I: He needs to see his way out and keep walking, that’s my suggestion! Oh, and get a job!

L: Word. I fear nothing can save him now.

FINAL GRADE: 2/25 F