Up for Review: KIERAN CULKIN

Kieran — one of the preferred Culkins.

APPEARANCE: 2

I: Those Culkins! I find Kieran to be the best looking of the brood. Although, his hair is kind of stringy and bad so it’s best when it’s kept on the shorter side. If I just saw him walking down the street, I don’t think I’d take a second glance because he’s rather pale and puffy, but once I got to know him, I could get down with him!

L: He looks like a condescending hipster—but that has a time and place for being attractive! I picture him dressing like Chuck Bass; he could not pull off the jeans-and-a-tee look.

PORTFOLIO: 2

L: These Culkin boys, now that they’ve reached maturity, are into playing hipsters with alternative sexualities. Bwa! I’m going to start telling casting directors that’s the only roles I’ll try out for. But perhaps Kieran and Co. are fulfilling a niche! As seen in Scott Pilgrim…, Kieran has an almost dry sense of humor that made me like him best out of all the characters. I’d like to see him do more! What do you want to see KC do, man?

I: He was also dry in Igby Goes Down. He boned Claire Danes in that movie! I think I can only see him as a sarcastic social reject. Maybe because he was introduced to us as the kid who wet the bed in Home Alone, he’ll forever try to prove how unaffected he is.

CHOICES: 2

I: I don’t know anything about his personal life! I know he had a weird upbringing, and didn’t the Culkin father try to steal all his children stars’ money? I think he needs to step out into the spotlight with a lady.

L: True, Kieran is cloaked in mystery! I sort of like that, like he’s a vampire on a mountain top that emerges from his castle when he hears the siren call of a dry hipster role in a movie. I enjoy this vision. I think he should make the choice to join the undead and make like Lestat.

PERSONALITY: 4.5

L: I’d be into Kieran showing up at the Ultimate Party! I think he’d bring a bit of culture and dry wit to the event. He’s so Oscar Wilde in my head. I hope Kieran arrives wearing a velvet military-inspired coat and a crystal-topped cane. Who can you see him hanging out with at the UP, if anyone?

I: I like how a Culkin is our bit of culture. I can see him hanging with JGL or Jason Schwartzman. I feel like he’d have interesting stories. He’d probably bring some bizarre-o drug that no one’s ever heard of and after we indulge in that, everyone at the party winds up starting a fight club while giggling hysterically.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1

I: I can’t see him really getting down with a lady. He got down with boys in Scott Pilgrim and that’s an idea I enjoy. But only he knows who’s right for him. I would just want to be friends. He’s not very sexual to me. But I bet he’d make a fun friend!

L: True, I personally can’t see him romancing a woman either. I can’t see him romancing anyone, really. Tee hee @ you telling Kieran you still want to be friends.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Embrace thine inner Oscar Wilde and get fancy!

I: Convince me that you’re sexual!

FINAL GRADE: 11.5/25 F

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