I: This show! I was reluctant to come on board with this show because upon initial viewing, I thought it was some god-awful “Kids Incorporated” bullshit and it gave me secondhand embarrassment. But then I realized it’s supposed to be like that and now that I’ve gotten to know the characters, I find it irresistible! Not to mention, the boys who star in it are quite foxy!

The breakout fox is hands-down Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson. His face is delish, man. I’m always hot for a jock turned sensitive/embarrassed artsy boy. And I enjoy his singing and drumming and the fact that he actually believed he got Quinn pregnant from a hand job in a hot tub.

L: I remember Finn, fo’ sho’. He had the hottest premature ejaculation scene ever! And I don’t just say that about anybody, dontcha know. (Although Josh Peck had one too in The Wackness… Now I’m just torturing you.) I remember intensely him crawling over Rachel and backing her up on the picnic blanket—GAH! Moanmoanmoanmoan*orgasm* I want to lick the freckles on his neck.

What about his friend, Puck, the football player with the Mohawk? That’s a hot concept. I enjoy his face! And the more I learned about his character, the more interested I became in him. He has multiple layers! He’s like some kind of sexy Iago from Othello or some shit. I’m on board.

I: I love Puck. He’s hilarious and keeps it so real because he was sexting Santana while simultaneously trying to convince Quinn that he would make a suitable father for their baby. Also, he got with Mercedes so he ain’t afraid to get down with a sister.

So Mr. Will Schuester kind of makes me cringe, but his bod is undeniable. I think everyone gets embarrassed watching him rap and dance, but oh well. That’s what the show calls for. I love how he’s hot for the demure guidance counselor and he’s always giving wise, teacherly advice.

L: Yeah, I have mixed feelings about Mr. Schuester. Clearly I root for him as he’s one of the good guys, but sometimes he creeps me out, like when he was gyrating to “This is How We Do It” or some such. I wonder why this is! Why am I not hot for teacher? I need to investigate my feelings some more.

Does the kid in the wheelchair ever get some action? (I enjoy when Sue calls him “Wheels.”) From the waist up, he looks like someone I used to date. Is he ever given something to do?

In the classic naughty librarian move, the glasses are removed and then...

I: I will spoil it for you and tell you he loses his V-card to Brittany the cheerleader. And then he’s sad about it because he felt used! Dude gets no respect.

L: Who else is on that show that’s a potential fox? What did you have to say about that Jesse guy who plays Rachel’s love interest in season two?

I: Ah, yes. The dude who played Jesse. He was too intense for me! And I did not support his unnecessary involvement in reuniting Rachel and the mother who abandoned her. But his presence made Finn pine hardcore for Rachel so it all comes full circle!

Kieran — one of the preferred Culkins.

APPEARANCE: 2

I: Those Culkins! I find Kieran to be the best looking of the brood. Although, his hair is kind of stringy and bad so it’s best when it’s kept on the shorter side. If I just saw him walking down the street, I don’t think I’d take a second glance because he’s rather pale and puffy, but once I got to know him, I could get down with him!

L: He looks like a condescending hipster—but that has a time and place for being attractive! I picture him dressing like Chuck Bass; he could not pull off the jeans-and-a-tee look.

PORTFOLIO: 2

L: These Culkin boys, now that they’ve reached maturity, are into playing hipsters with alternative sexualities. Bwa! I’m going to start telling casting directors that’s the only roles I’ll try out for. But perhaps Kieran and Co. are fulfilling a niche! As seen in Scott Pilgrim…, Kieran has an almost dry sense of humor that made me like him best out of all the characters. I’d like to see him do more! What do you want to see KC do, man?

I: He was also dry in Igby Goes Down. He boned Claire Danes in that movie! I think I can only see him as a sarcastic social reject. Maybe because he was introduced to us as the kid who wet the bed in Home Alone, he’ll forever try to prove how unaffected he is.

CHOICES: 2

I: I don’t know anything about his personal life! I know he had a weird upbringing, and didn’t the Culkin father try to steal all his children stars’ money? I think he needs to step out into the spotlight with a lady.

L: True, Kieran is cloaked in mystery! I sort of like that, like he’s a vampire on a mountain top that emerges from his castle when he hears the siren call of a dry hipster role in a movie. I enjoy this vision. I think he should make the choice to join the undead and make like Lestat.

PERSONALITY: 4.5

L: I’d be into Kieran showing up at the Ultimate Party! I think he’d bring a bit of culture and dry wit to the event. He’s so Oscar Wilde in my head. I hope Kieran arrives wearing a velvet military-inspired coat and a crystal-topped cane. Who can you see him hanging out with at the UP, if anyone?

I: I like how a Culkin is our bit of culture. I can see him hanging with JGL or Jason Schwartzman. I feel like he’d have interesting stories. He’d probably bring some bizarre-o drug that no one’s ever heard of and after we indulge in that, everyone at the party winds up starting a fight club while giggling hysterically.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1

I: I can’t see him really getting down with a lady. He got down with boys in Scott Pilgrim and that’s an idea I enjoy. But only he knows who’s right for him. I would just want to be friends. He’s not very sexual to me. But I bet he’d make a fun friend!

L: True, I personally can’t see him romancing a woman either. I can’t see him romancing anyone, really. Tee hee @ you telling Kieran you still want to be friends.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Embrace thine inner Oscar Wilde and get fancy!

I: Convince me that you’re sexual!

FINAL GRADE: 11.5/25 F

Josh Peck — we look at the dopeness and the wackness.

APPEARANCE: 3.5

L: I want to ravish this boy! I don’t care that he used to be the
fatty on “Drake & Josh”; he is 100 percent FINE AS HELL now. He has a
hot smile that makes him look like a poor babe’s Jake Gyllenhaal, and
he had has sexy, floppy hair and wears suits well. PINE! I want to use
his back as a scratching post, and that’s on the real.

I: Say whaaaaa? Is this for real? I am reluctant to get on board here
because I feel like we’re scraping pretty low if we’re talking about
this guy! But I’ll buy in only because I’m sure I’ll want to talk
about someone equally D-list down the road and then I’ll force you to
participate. I don’t know what to think about him. I can assure you I
never have! I think he has a dopey face and Uncle Jesse hair.

PORTFOLIO: 1.5

I: Well. I am not familiar with his fatter days on this “Drake & Josh”
you speak of. But I have seen The Wackness and I thought it was
a really strange hybrid of Good Will Hunting and KIDS or
something. (BTW: Have you seen KIDS? I think it’s awful and
they should show it in sex ed classes to scare teens from EVER having
sex.) So does his resume end there?

L: I enjoy us being on such total opposite sides of this spectrum,
having completely different opinions about all aspects of this dude. I
loved The Wackness! To paraphrase Jerry Maguire, Josh
Peck had me at “How much you need?” At any rate, I was hypnotized, and
to know that he came from such innocent beginnings really intrigued
me. It is my hope he can hop over the line between serious indie
flicks and lighthearted kid fare—two varying genres, to be sure—at his
whimsy, but we’ll see. I want him to be Shia Laboeuf but without the
DRAMA!

CHOICES: 2

L: I think it’s sweet he’s BFFs in real life with his co-star Drake.
And in all seriousness, I also commend him for making a conscious
effort to slim down and be healthier. To have that will power is
really commendable. Also, he charmed me in his interview with Jimmy
Kimmel! He seems very approachable. AHH I has a crush.

I: LOL @ you commending his healthy lifestyle. According to Wikipedia,
he started out as a stand-up comic and that’s kind of fun considering
he was like, nine at the time. That takes charisma! Does he have a
lady love? What does he do in his spare time, just hang out with this
Drake dude and talk about the good old days?

PERSONALITY: 3

I: He seems like he’d be pretty chill and down for a good time. If he
was at our party, I’d spend so much time asking him a million
questions because I don’t have a firm grasp on who he is! And what are
his intentions with my fair London?

L: BWA—Why, I’m so glad you asked, man! I picture him being charming
and friendly, and I’m woo’d by his smile and EARNESTY; I’d bet he’d
ask sincere questions of the other guests and actually give a damn
about the answer. I also picture him not being self-conscious about
looking a fool or doing something lame. We could probably totally rope
him into wearing a lopsided Burger King crown and playing a game of
drunken Apples to Apples with us, and he and I high-five and bond over
how no one ever picks our nouns. And there’s this exciting tension in
the air all night: “Will they hook up? Won’t they?” Ee!

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 3

L: I can dig this scene; going by what I assume his personality is
like, I think it’d be a fun, sweet time. And I find him nice to look
at. And his sexytime scene in the outdoor shower in The
Wackness made my loins explode and is not something I’d be averse to reenacting. Yes plz!

I: Yes, he did appear to be hot in the shower. I just worry he’d say
dumb, stoner-y things and it would make me nervous. I don’t know.
Maybe if he just called me, we could get to know each other.

SUGGESTIONS

I: Stick out your arm and I’ll write my phone number on it! Then call
me and we’ll see what happens.

L: Keep hopping over the line between indie drama and family-friendly
fare. Do what you want!

FINAL GRADE: 13/25 F

L: We here at Foxy Academy promote a diverse student body from all over the globe– as long as them bodies be flne. Por ejemplo, Enrique Iglesias. Like a fine Spanish wine, E.I. gets better with age. I’m hot for him in his fashionably faded jeans in the “I Like It” vid! And I can even see past the mole. Does he even have it anymore? His hotness covers it up. He has a sexy, boyish intensity to his face and yummy bod that makes me go “RAWR!” like a horny tiger.

I: I agree! He is totally caliente and that is factual. However, I feel like he’s getting old and his “I Like It” song/video was trying really hard to stay hip and happenin’. But I’ll let it slide. Are you familiar with Gael Garcia Bernal? He’s another Latino guapo who could seduce me with coy glances alone. He was in Y Tu Mama Tambien and also this weirdo movie I just watched called Dot the I that wasn’t all that great, but he had a rather enjoyable sex scene in it, so I felt okay about watching it.

L: I saw Y Tu Mama Tambien! I remember GGB having foxy hair, thus I’m immediately putting Dot the I on my Netflix queue. Speaking of Y Tu Mama Tambien, that other dude—Diego Luna—was foxy too! Actually, in retrospect, he’s even foxier than GGB, although I didn’t realize it until I watched—okay, this is embarrassing—Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. BWA @ me. But dude, that guy’s got moves! I was truly hot and bothered. It was proof that it’s not what you got as much as what you do with it. I’m taking liberties with that phrase but it’s true.

I: DD: Havana Nights was such crap, but Diego Luna was fiiine. Is that his real name, you think? If so, it’s foxy. What do you think of Javier Bardem? I support his beard! Did you ever see Vicky Christina Barcelona? It’s kind of awful because it’s typical desperate Woody Allen fare, but that ain’t the point. He’s a sexy painter who seduces two women in it!

L: Bardem was recently on the cover of Esquire, looking vaguely haggard! Was he the one who seduced Diane Lane in Unfaithful? No, that was not him at all. If not, who was that fox? Was he even foreign? I demand it to be so.

Ah, yes, Olivier Martinez—he’s French! Thus, he suits the purpose of this post. He dated Kylie Minogue for a billion years and apparently supported her throughout her breast cancer! Now he’s with Halle Berry. Well done, ladies.

I: YES! Olivier is such a hot name, too. Dude, have we ever talked about Unfaithful and how Diane Lane gets fucked from behind in the stairwell? I can’t believe that movie, man! Definitely not a date movie. It also taught me how lethal snow globes were!

How you say "Fox Foxington"?

Foxy Academy loves John Cusack.

APPEARANCE: 3

I: JC’s career has spanned a couple of decades and I think he’s cute forever! He’s got such a great face that’s both average and adorable. Whenever I see him, I think he’s wearing eyeliner! Have you ever noticed? Looks-wise I think he peaked around Grosse Pointe Blank but he’s still a classic!

L: Agreed—even though JC is showing some clear signs of aging—I’m not so excited about the Must Love Dogs or the Hot Tub Time Machine (or whatever the Christ that movie was called) versions of JC—he’s still boyish in appearance. He has a very huggable quality! His is a face I would trust. John Cusack for Office ’12! My fav John Cusack incarnation is High Fidelity JC—alternative and sarcastic and lookin’ fine in tees. Tee!

PORTFOLIO: 5

L: Speaking of High Fidelity, I could go on for about a day and a half about why I love that movie (even though when I watched it with you last time I fretted that Rob might not have fought for Laura enough, but still). But really, the majority of John Cusack’s portfolio is golden: Sixteen Candles, The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, Say Anything… Well, to be fair, I actually hate that one, but I blame Ione Skye and her bizarre relationship with her father for that, not JC. At any rate, somehow Matthew McConaughey can play the same character over and over and it’s annoying, yet John Cusack can play the same-ish dude in all his movies and still be charming. How, I just don’t know.

I: I, too, am always annoyed by Ione Skye and her dad in Say Anything! I hate that secondary storyline. But I digress. John Cusack is charming in every role he plays! High Fidelity is a fave along with Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer and basically just everything he’s done, except for that America’s Sweethearts movie he did with Julia Roberts. But I’ll let it slide. After all these years, he’s never had to go B-list and sell out with a reality show or anything. I love you, JC!

CHOICES: 4

I: I so love that his sister Joan Cusack makes an appearance in many of his films. I want to hang out with them. I think it’s cute that they’re buddies. I also enjoy that he’s friends with Jeremy Piven and they’ve been in a bunch of movies together. As for romantic life, I remember when he was dating Neve Campbell and I thought that was a cool match. What about now?

L: Would you rather hang out with the Cusack siblings or the Gyllenhaals? Quandary! I like the idea of John Cusack dating a TV star who’s younger than him (but not too young, mind you). I hope he’s seeing someone seriously these days! If not, he needs to make that happen.

PERSONALITY: 5

L: Of course John Cusack must be at the Ultimate Party! He ought to be the role model for so many of the dudes there—I forget who we said needs to emulate him but there are a few. I hope he’s there, being charmingly self-deprecating and witty. I think he’d get Most Liked or something. Ahh! We must totally have an awards ceremony full of superlatives at the Ultimate Party. This is totally right up your alley!

I: AH! The Foxies! I do enjoy coming up with awards and the Ultimate Party is just the place to distribute them. More on that in another post perhaps. I think we said JGL, Jason Segel and Justin Long needed to be like John Cusack. I like picturing them sitting at JC’s feet diligently taking notes and hanging on his every word.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 5

I: He would make such a good boyfriend! I just hope he’s not too moody. But otherwise, dating him would involve listening to cool music, saying dry humorous things, and probably drinking coffee. I thought it was hot how he lured Lisa Bonet into bed in High Fidelity. It’d be like that!

L: He would be a sweet boyfriend, agreed! I bet it’d be a funny, fun, interesting time. And he’d be totally trustworthy and EARNEST! You know how I love me some earnest boys.

SUGGESTIONS

L: Avoid nonsense like Hot Tub Time Machine and that drivel! Choose movies that have you looking good in a suit and, naturally, being rained upon.

I: Open up an acting school for today’s young Hollywood lads and teach them a thing or two about being the perfect romcom leading man. Or just be a guest speaker/adjunct professor at Foxy Academy!

FINAL GRADE: 22/25 B+

Topher Grace needs to lighten up.

APPEARANCE: 2.5

L: And now our assessment of the last male main character of “That ‘70s Show”: Topher Grace! Naturally—predictably—I enjoyed his moppy hair in the “T70S” pilot episode. He has the face and body of one who can do primarily boy-next-door roles. He’s a bit scrawny; as I said about JGL, I feel like I’d break one of Topher’s ribs if we were to tumble in the sack. But we can’t all be Matthew McConaughey. (I need to start saying that more.) Hmm.

I: I think he has weird teeth. His smile makes him look creepy. But overall, yes, he is boyish and awshucks-y. He’s average in my book. He should work his average-ness! I suggest he try glasses.

PORTFOLIO: 2

I: Like his former colleagues, “That 70s Show” is definitely his claim to fame and not much has been done since. For the most part, I enjoyed Eric Forman on “T70S”! He was always good for a LOL. But at this point, there should be more things on his resume! I mean, he did that last Spiderman movie but was gross in that. Eh, I’m unimpressed, especially since he seemed so eager to move on from “T70S” to bigger and better things. Still waiting on that!

L: Yes, yes! Where are you now, Topher? He did Spiderman, some awkward movie with Scarlett Johanssen and then… I don’t know? I’m miffed that he was so “meh” about his role on “T70S.” Then again, they didn’t give him a lot to do during the seventh season—you can see how the role of Eric Forman became so secondary and non-important, but maybe he made it so! He must be more gracious; otherwise he’ll always have negative portfolio karma.

CHOICES: 1.5

L: Topher Grace choosing to leave “T70S” was not wise, for starters! And HOLD THA FONE – wha-wha-whaaaa @ him dating Ivanka Trump?! That sounds unlikely but apparently it was so. How did that even happen? Ah, to be a fly on that wall.

I: Did he? She’s totally out of his league, man. His personal life entry in Wikipedia is so sad. There ain’t much to say about him! I think he seems like a big wet blanket. Which brings us to our next category.

PERSONALITY: 1

I: I think he seems like a big wet blanket! He probably never partied with the “T70S” cast and would sulk in his trailer, burying his youth, while everyone else was having fun. I bet if we invited him to the Ultimate Party, he wouldn’t even show up!

L: Agreed—Topher would never hang with us and our righteous crew. I want to know what these big, important things he’s doing are that he’s too good for any kind of fun! I really can’t see him doing any activity or having a hobby. I’ve tried picturing him clubbing and reading and building a ship in a bottle (LOL @ all those things done at once), but nothing fits.

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1

L: I don’t know what to do with him, man! I have no hint of his personality, as demonstrated above. So how can we go on a date montage with “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” playing in the background? What if it’s like dating the dude version of a Real Doll? Only I can’t think of anyone custom-ordering an Eric Forman RD.

I: He seems the type who, if you suggested going to a friend’s BBQ, would be unimpressed and not into going. I can’t have that! He’s a insecure wuss who hasn’t worked in years. Therefore, he’d be crappy in the sack. I said it!

SUGGESTIONS

I: Call up Wilmer Valderrama and work on your resumes together and get a job!

L: Be grateful and proud of your fun beginnings and loosen up!

FINAL GRADE: 8/25 F

I’ll just get it out of the way now and mention Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!) so that you can go ahead and gag. I pined for him so hard! I wrote about him in my diary way too much, it’s embarrassing. I dug his haircut (don’t ask me why) and his tan-ness and he was the reason I watched Home Improvement. Don’t judge me!

L: I forget what I saw JTT in that filled my heart with such rage. What’s he doing now? I need recent pics. In short, I never enjoyed JTT—I think he seemed wimpy! And yet, I thought Jonathan Jackson was fine. Go fig! DUDE, he was the reason I suffered through godforsaken Tuck Everlasting, and this here is proof how lust can surely make a person go insane: for some reason, even though I knew it was a family movie, I still watched it, finding him so fine I actually anticipated some graphic nudity or adult situations to show up on screen. No lie!

I: I think it’s hilarious that you rejected JTT because of his WIMPINESS yet you (and I) lust after Taylor Hanson and effing Jonathan Jackson, who had the most ladylike, pouty pink lips you ever did see. But to each his own!

Peep this one: Rider Strong aka Shawn from Boy Meets World. First of all, that show was amazing, and secondly, I enjoyed his cut-up/bad boy/trailer park persona. He was always trying to hook Corey up with chicks. I wanted to wind up at a make-out party with him!

L: OMG RIDER STRONG, He of the Best Name Ever! Dude, you once said that when picking out boy bebe names, you have to pick something where the first and last name sound so good together they can rarely be separated, especially in terms of announcing a sexy prom date. “Rider Strong” is THE sexy prom date name! Don’t you wanna grope someone named Rider Strong in the back of the rented limo while your classmates sway to “November Rain” inside? Um, yes! But at any rate, he was very much the Steven Hyde of “Boy Meets World” only without the weed, all street smart and sensitive and from a broken home so he had to live with his motorcycle-riding English teacher. HOT!

You paved the way on this one, but I thought Ben Savage was super cute too, with his short-cut curly hair and boyish features. He looked short though, but probably because he was like TEN and hadn’t had a growth spurt yet. Perhaps I’d settle into a relationship with Ben, then get drunk and accidentally wind up making out with Rider Strong on his pseudo-parent’s motorcycle, and after a tearful, heartbreaking fight, Ben and I would eventually make up and get married. Best of both worlds!

I: I can’t believe you were hot for Ben Savage! He seems so unlike your type. Well, you know my allegiance is with his older, much foxier brother Fred whom I penned diary entries about when I was eight, but my Kevin Arnold phase was in the 1980s so I’ll skip him.

Because I had a framed picture of him on my nightstand, I can’t pass up mentioning Scott Wolf! He was a young Tom Cruise! And he was so fine as Bailey the alcoholic on “Party of Five.” He had dimples to die for, man. I straight up cut out a picture of him from Seventeen magazine and framed it like we were lovers. Oh, how I wish.

L: At first, I thought you meant Ben Savage’s brother on the show, e.g., Eric, the lovable doof with the floppy hair and sexy smile, and I was all YES PLZ! Gah @ Fred Savage. He had a squishy, doughy face. I liked him when he grew up and his voice changed though. Scott Wolf! I can’t stand that guy! LOL @ you having his picture FRAMED on your night table. Tell me you smooched it before bed!

I: We will just agree to disagree, man! But we can’t omit the brothers who were undeniably foxy — The Lawrence Brothers, particularly Joey and Matt. I thought Joey was so FINE on Blossom with his flannel shirt tied around his waist and his righteous hair. And then they had a show together that involved fixing cars which is always hot.

L: DUDE, I got all hot and bothered when Joey Lawrence’s poster popped up during Camp Nowhere — LOLOL some more at us watching that by our own free will and as, by definition, adults. And then he shaved his head and STILL looked fine — I never say that about anyone! Except maybe Justin Timberlake but aside from that… I remember a random episode of “Blossom” where the doorbell rings and Joey Lawrence is like, “If that’s a hot girl, send her up to my room, second door on the right,” and Blossom is like, “That’s the linen closet, dumb ass!” I might be paraphrasing, but I express the same sentiment when I say that if Joey Lawrence rings the bell, you know whose room to send him to.

Calm down, Shia LaBeouf.

APPEARANCE: 3.5

I: Shia LaBeouf has an old soul look about him. Maybe it’s the concept of a beard on a 24 year old. I’m intrigued, though! His hair’s a little weird, but I enjoy the intensity of his look.

L: DOOD—I’ve been hot for Shia Labeouf forevs! Since even his Even Stevens days! Guys with curly hair definitely get props from me, and he has a boyish face with wise brown eyes. LOL @ his revolutionary beard. Word!

PORTFOLIO: 2.5

L: I thought he was hilar on ES, always getting into charming mischief, and he played over-the-top so well. But I’m glad he busted out of the Disney Channel rut and shook off the child star curse and dabbled in darker movies!

I: I am not familiar with any of his Disney work and I guess that’s a good thing! He was able to transition with ease, apparently. But I think it’s cute that he has a jovial, comedic side to him because he always seems so serious in his movies. Oh GAWD, did you ever see New York, I Love You? He had the worst storyline in that movie that almost put me to sleep, but that’s not his fault, I suppose. What else has he done? The Transformers movies and a couple of thrillers? Eh. I’d like to see him do some charming drama/comedy without the aid of special effects and Megan Fox.

CHOICES: 3

I: Wasn’t he the one who got arrested for refusing to leave a Walgreens? LOL. That’s up there with Edward Furlong stealing the lobster in terms of randomness. Other than that, he seems to be trying very hard to be taken seriously which I guess is a good thing considering his beginnings. He could make an all-around effort to be more accessible and sexy, though.

L: Refusing to leave a Walgreens is just more proof that today’s youth has nothing to protest against and thus is bored. I remember reading an interview several years back where he was swearing like a general. That was a bit of a turn-off. I hope that SL doesn’t forgo his youthful, goofy antics completely in an effort to be taken seriously; I don’t want him trying to be a badass. I think most people—except for me—have forgotten that he was on the Disney Channel so he really doesn’t need to try so hard to be brooding or hardcore or anything. Think about it, Shia.

PERSONALITY: 2

L: Again, I hope he wouldn’t be too much of a broody brood at the Ultimate Party. I want him to loosen up, have fun and not take himself too seriously as opposed to him running around, trying to convince everyone that he’s an adult. I don’t need him pouting about his past like Jared Leto. He needs to get into wacky shenanigans with me, like one of us puts too much soap in the washing machine so it bubbles all over the floor or the toilet starts spewing water like a fountain, and then he and I have to devise a plan to keep you from finding out and the party continuing as normal. I want to scheme with Shia LaBeouf! I think all that scheming and working together would be a mad turn-on, so then once the crisis was over we could make out on everyone’s coats.

I: I can’t even imagine you and Shia LaBeouf getting into all sort of antics and trouble together, tip-toeing with high knees around the house. I, too, hope that he’s not too much of a Broody Brooderson, bringing down the vibe of the party. He should ease up!

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1.5

I: He seems full of neuroses and jitters! Have you ever seen him in an interview? He makes me feel uneasy. And that can only spell trouble for date night.

L: I feel like he has unaddressed anger issues. I blame Disney. I will hope for a future of cute, lighthearted antics, like him forgetting the wallet on date night so we have to wash dishes in the restaurant but we end up breaking the dish washer so we try to break out of the joint instead but the trouble only keeps coming until finally we escape into a cab and make out. I do not even want to have to consider that I come home late from a night of girly fun with you, and he’s slumped in an armchair in the dark, and he switches on the nearby light as he asks where I’ve been, and then throws his eighth whiskey at the wall and tells me to stop lying before he starts bawling and passing out. No, thank you!

SUGGESTIONS

L: Start being HAPPY! Embrace your whimsical past with similar roles. Don’t be so Jared Leto about it.

I: Yeah really. Ease up, dude. It ain’t that serious.

FINAL GRADE: 12.5/25 D

Wilmer Valderrama, we say GOOD DAY!

APPEARANCE: 1

L: First, he hasn’t been in anything noteworthy aside from That ‘70s Show, so I just picture him wearing Fez’s tight orange pants and looking foreign, faddy and awkward. Considering my love for the ‘70s, that would be charming if that were the way Wilmer actually was. But because he seems to act like Nick Carter or someone (without the BAG O’ BOOKS), this makes him far less attractive. Okay, let me try to stay focused and objective without getting ahead of myself. Despite his shortness, he is actually a good-looking guy with an exotic tinge to him and seems to dress well. Unfortunately, Wilmer’s problem is that his portfolio, choices, personality and romantic potential get in the way of his appearance.

I: Ehh. I don’t know, man. If I saw him in a club (which is the only venue I can imagine meeting him), I’d think he looked skeevy or douchey. Plus, could you get hot for a dude named Wilmer?

PORTFOLIO: 1

I: Oh dear. Talk about falling short! That ‘70s Show was by far his greatest gig and that ship’s long gone. What does he do with his time? I imagine he tries to produce rap artists or something. But his days as Fez were certainly hilar. I admire that particular talent.

L: Agreed, Wilmer isn’t living up to his potential. But really, what more could he possibly be doing? Didn’t he open up a bar with Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher? I think that’s about all he’s done in his life, beside bone Loho (and Hilary Duff, too, right?), which brings us to his…

CHOICES: 0

L: BOO! I do not approve. Wilmer needs to try to be more like Fez, because he is far from charming. His claim to fame other than T70S is being completely ungentlemanly on the Howard Stern show. What was the point of that? It didn’t earn him any brownie points with anyone; he just looked like a scumbag. Ladies, veer away from this one.

I: I boo him too! What an insecure tool for talking about taking chicks’ virginities and ranking them in bed and shit on the radio. I don’t know if he can ever come back from that in our eyes. Double fail!

PERSONALITY: 0

I: I could do without him, that’s for sure. No matter how funny or cool he may be, he ruined himself for me with his Howard Stern antics. He seems the type who, if you weren’t interested, would scoff “What a bitch! She wasn’t that hot anyway” after you walked away. I don’t want him at the party! He can sit outside.

L: No wayz. While his cohorts Ashton and Danny chill indoors, Wilmer can park his butt on the curb with his chin in his hands and throw pebbles into the street grates as he wishes a plague on both our houses. It’s his own fault for being such a creeper. Who’s he trying to impress?

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 0

L: I think it goes without saying that if a guy can’t make it into the Ultimate Party, he has zero chance of making it into our pants. I SAY GOOD DAY!

I: Scoff. He wouldn’t even be able to complete his pick-up line on me because I’d be too busy smooching Adrian Grenier (at this club we’re at where everyone is hitting on me, you see). I won’t even consider him!

SUGGESTIONS

I: He needs to see his way out and keep walking, that’s my suggestion! Oh, and get a job!

L: Word. I fear nothing can save him now.

FINAL GRADE: 2/25 F

L: I don’t get even basic cable at my place, so I have to rely on the rows of TVs at the gym for a dose of foxy dudes who are stars for about a whole thirty seconds. One such guy is the dude who plays Justin Case in those insurance commercials—so cute, man! He reminds me Jason/Jeremy London + John Krasinski on The Office. I want him to be my friend, shyly trying to figure out how to put the moves on me. Tee. I approve!

I: I am not familiar with this guy! But I Googled him and he does resemble J.Kras. This post wouldn’t be right without talking about the Old Spice guy. He has a bangin’ bod and sexy voice. Plus, he claims to be a Renaissance Man and most likely smells good!

L: YES YES @ the Old Spice guy! Not only was/is he a football player (swoon!), but he’s also HILAR! He posted all these videos in response to people’s Twitters re: him, and he proposed to Alyssa Milano via one of them, and it was just gold. Total package up in here!

This selection will make you cry: the FreeCreditReport.com guys! Especially the lead vocalist/guitarist. LOLZ. I have a crush on his floppy hair! I think he’d be fun to hang out. He’d be like, the guitarist I know who’s likable but will never be famous because he’s too goofy and plays only JOKE SONGS on the guitar. And yet, I forgive him. I could go see his hack band perform at the Renaissance Faire and then he’ll buy an overpriced lemonade in return.

I: I can’t believe you’re into that guy with his WACKY guitar songs! Did you know that’s not really him singing? Something about him being foreign. Regardless, I don’t see the appeal and therefore, he will remain on our Agree to Disagree list.

What about the “Dude, You’re Gettin’ a Dell” guy? He is not at all relevant, but still memorable like, a decade-plus later. What was his situation? Did he get busted for selling weed or some such? That sounds about right. Well, he creeped me out, but still made an impression on my teenage mind!

L: I agree! I think I used to find him charming and sil, and I was super into blondes then. He did get caught re: pot! Oh, him. I think I was surprised by that at the time although now I don’t see why—he seemed like a stoner anyway. I’m sure his bust only provoked likeminded incoming college freshmen into gettin’ a Dell, dude.

Oh! You know who was hot? That Calvin Klein dude! I forget if he actually did commercials but he had that stint as Tarzan for about five seconds, plus he was so fine that when his ad was displayed as a billboard in Times Square, it caused traffic accidents left and right. So I think that makes him certainly worth mentioning! “So gorgeous I cause ten-car pile-ups”: best thing to add to one’s resume—ever. He seemed pretty dumb and boring, but man, was he delicious.

I: YES! His junk in those Calvin Klein’s really did a number on people. What an awesome claim to fame.

Do you recall that kid from the AT&T commercials whose mom gets mad at him for throwing out his rollover minutes? (Here! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFepU_hcZ0s) I enjoy him and I think he looks like Scott Baio which… could either be good or bad, your choice.

L: Ooh! I never saw him before that link — no access to TV channels, you see — but I enjoyed him as well! I liked his giganto-sized brown eyes and his mop of hair. He needs to start hawking other wares!