Hot Foreigners

L: We here at Foxy Academy promote a diverse student body from all over the globe– as long as them bodies be flne. Por ejemplo, Enrique Iglesias. Like a fine Spanish wine, E.I. gets better with age. I’m hot for him in his fashionably faded jeans in the “I Like It” vid! And I can even see past the mole. Does he even have it anymore? His hotness covers it up. He has a sexy, boyish intensity to his face and yummy bod that makes me go “RAWR!” like a horny tiger.

I: I agree! He is totally caliente and that is factual. However, I feel like he’s getting old and his “I Like It” song/video was trying really hard to stay hip and happenin’. But I’ll let it slide. Are you familiar with Gael Garcia Bernal? He’s another Latino guapo who could seduce me with coy glances alone. He was in Y Tu Mama Tambien and also this weirdo movie I just watched called Dot the I that wasn’t all that great, but he had a rather enjoyable sex scene in it, so I felt okay about watching it.

L: I saw Y Tu Mama Tambien! I remember GGB having foxy hair, thus I’m immediately putting Dot the I on my Netflix queue. Speaking of Y Tu Mama Tambien, that other dude—Diego Luna—was foxy too! Actually, in retrospect, he’s even foxier than GGB, although I didn’t realize it until I watched—okay, this is embarrassing—Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. BWA @ me. But dude, that guy’s got moves! I was truly hot and bothered. It was proof that it’s not what you got as much as what you do with it. I’m taking liberties with that phrase but it’s true.

I: DD: Havana Nights was such crap, but Diego Luna was fiiine. Is that his real name, you think? If so, it’s foxy. What do you think of Javier Bardem? I support his beard! Did you ever see Vicky Christina Barcelona? It’s kind of awful because it’s typical desperate Woody Allen fare, but that ain’t the point. He’s a sexy painter who seduces two women in it!

L: Bardem was recently on the cover of Esquire, looking vaguely haggard! Was he the one who seduced Diane Lane in Unfaithful? No, that was not him at all. If not, who was that fox? Was he even foreign? I demand it to be so.

Ah, yes, Olivier Martinez—he’s French! Thus, he suits the purpose of this post. He dated Kylie Minogue for a billion years and apparently supported her throughout her breast cancer! Now he’s with Halle Berry. Well done, ladies.

I: YES! Olivier is such a hot name, too. Dude, have we ever talked about Unfaithful and how Diane Lane gets fucked from behind in the stairwell? I can’t believe that movie, man! Definitely not a date movie. It also taught me how lethal snow globes were!

How you say "Fox Foxington"?