Up for Review: SHIA LABEOUF

Calm down, Shia LaBeouf.

APPEARANCE: 3.5

I: Shia LaBeouf has an old soul look about him. Maybe it’s the concept of a beard on a 24 year old. I’m intrigued, though! His hair’s a little weird, but I enjoy the intensity of his look.

L: DOOD—I’ve been hot for Shia Labeouf forevs! Since even his Even Stevens days! Guys with curly hair definitely get props from me, and he has a boyish face with wise brown eyes. LOL @ his revolutionary beard. Word!

PORTFOLIO: 2.5

L: I thought he was hilar on ES, always getting into charming mischief, and he played over-the-top so well. But I’m glad he busted out of the Disney Channel rut and shook off the child star curse and dabbled in darker movies!

I: I am not familiar with any of his Disney work and I guess that’s a good thing! He was able to transition with ease, apparently. But I think it’s cute that he has a jovial, comedic side to him because he always seems so serious in his movies. Oh GAWD, did you ever see New York, I Love You? He had the worst storyline in that movie that almost put me to sleep, but that’s not his fault, I suppose. What else has he done? The Transformers movies and a couple of thrillers? Eh. I’d like to see him do some charming drama/comedy without the aid of special effects and Megan Fox.

CHOICES: 3

I: Wasn’t he the one who got arrested for refusing to leave a Walgreens? LOL. That’s up there with Edward Furlong stealing the lobster in terms of randomness. Other than that, he seems to be trying very hard to be taken seriously which I guess is a good thing considering his beginnings. He could make an all-around effort to be more accessible and sexy, though.

L: Refusing to leave a Walgreens is just more proof that today’s youth has nothing to protest against and thus is bored. I remember reading an interview several years back where he was swearing like a general. That was a bit of a turn-off. I hope that SL doesn’t forgo his youthful, goofy antics completely in an effort to be taken seriously; I don’t want him trying to be a badass. I think most people—except for me—have forgotten that he was on the Disney Channel so he really doesn’t need to try so hard to be brooding or hardcore or anything. Think about it, Shia.

PERSONALITY: 2

L: Again, I hope he wouldn’t be too much of a broody brood at the Ultimate Party. I want him to loosen up, have fun and not take himself too seriously as opposed to him running around, trying to convince everyone that he’s an adult. I don’t need him pouting about his past like Jared Leto. He needs to get into wacky shenanigans with me, like one of us puts too much soap in the washing machine so it bubbles all over the floor or the toilet starts spewing water like a fountain, and then he and I have to devise a plan to keep you from finding out and the party continuing as normal. I want to scheme with Shia LaBeouf! I think all that scheming and working together would be a mad turn-on, so then once the crisis was over we could make out on everyone’s coats.

I: I can’t even imagine you and Shia LaBeouf getting into all sort of antics and trouble together, tip-toeing with high knees around the house. I, too, hope that he’s not too much of a Broody Brooderson, bringing down the vibe of the party. He should ease up!

ROMANTIC POTENTIAL: 1.5

I: He seems full of neuroses and jitters! Have you ever seen him in an interview? He makes me feel uneasy. And that can only spell trouble for date night.

L: I feel like he has unaddressed anger issues. I blame Disney. I will hope for a future of cute, lighthearted antics, like him forgetting the wallet on date night so we have to wash dishes in the restaurant but we end up breaking the dish washer so we try to break out of the joint instead but the trouble only keeps coming until finally we escape into a cab and make out. I do not even want to have to consider that I come home late from a night of girly fun with you, and he’s slumped in an armchair in the dark, and he switches on the nearby light as he asks where I’ve been, and then throws his eighth whiskey at the wall and tells me to stop lying before he starts bawling and passing out. No, thank you!

SUGGESTIONS

L: Start being HAPPY! Embrace your whimsical past with similar roles. Don’t be so Jared Leto about it.

I: Yeah really. Ease up, dude. It ain’t that serious.

FINAL GRADE: 12.5/25 C